amazed

Looking back on the year (which happens easily as I find myself unable to do much during the last week of school), I am amazed at where a year has brought me.

This time last year, I was considering fleeing my small group as soon as summer drew to a close. I felt like many of them didn't like me, and I had little interest in trying to get to know them. Today, I'm leading it, committed to this group of friends indefinetly. Sitting with them Tuesday night, I felt at home. Not threatened, as I used to. Not intimidated, as I used to. Challenged, stretched, and encouraged. I look forward to new memories as some of them come and go, and I am delighted with the growth that has happened during my time with them.

Looking back, I've realized I am a girl who gets what she wants. That amazes me. It's the reason I am single...which is fine. It's also the reason I get frustrated at school -- when my kids don't do what I want EXACTLY, or when friendships don't become what they should, or when teachers have bad attitudes -- all of that isn't working in my favor. I want a position, I get it. I want a condo, I get it. I want a man (unusual) I get some piece of him -- never the whole thing.

I don't say this to be conceited. I've just realized it. I don't know if it is always a good thing. At some point, I'm going to have to conceed. I wonder where, and when. At what point will I put aside what I want for someone else? At what point will what I want be irrelevant. This is the conflict inside "old" single people...or so my mother purposes. The longer I live, the easier it gets to live for me.

And by my realization, I see a new adventure ahead. The opportunity to live for someone else, not myself. I wonder what that will look like...